Written by: Cory Goodman
Directed by: Scott Stewart
Starring: Paul Bettany, Karl Urban, and Cam Gigandet
Reviewed by: Brett G.
"To go against the church is to go against God."
Forgive me, but I’m about to sound like an old codger for a moment. You see, back in my day, post-apocalyptic wastelands featured biker gangs, thunderdomes, and Mel Gibson. However, if we’re to believe the likes of I Am Legend and Daybreakers, the endtimes won’t be complete without vampires. Priest offers a similarly bleak and bloodsucking outlook for the future too--and yes, that statement can double as an indictment of the film's quality.
Paul Bettany is one of many priests who once formed a badass sect of vampire hunters; however, they all became useless after humanity finally managed to defeat the vampires after a centuries-long feud. The also managed to destroy most of the world too, as the only thing left standing are vast wastelands and walled cities that are ruled by the church. Though the vampire menace is believed to have been vanquished, a pack led by a former priest (Karl Urban) descend on an outpost and kidnap a young girl who happens to be Bettany’s niece. Her sheriff beau (Cam Gigandet) enlists Bettany’s help in tracking them down.
For a while there, I thought Screen Gems might have been waiting for the actual apocalypse to finally release the oft-delayed Priest (you’ve got to admit, it’d be a hell of a tie-in). Of course, this isn’t the case; instead, they held on to it because it kind of sucks and they slapped on some post-conversion 3D in an attempt to bleed every dollar out of it. This is cynical, predictable, and paint-by numbers Hollywood film-making at its finest, as it takes no risks and is content to be a lazy vampire counterpart to the Resident Evil series. There’s really nothing about Priest that isn’t mediocre at best and downright poor at worst. The problem begins with the script, which feels like it’s missing a second act; also MIA is any sort of cleverness and a cliché filter. It feels like just about every line of dialogue has been culled by a thirteen year old from some generic action-movie scripts.
From there, director Scott Stewart tries to salvage things with some typical post-Matrix action sequences that reheat bullet time and slow motion to average effect. The vampires themselves are a gooey CGI mess who often travel as a horde, and they basically serve two purposes: they mow down unsuspecting victims, or they get mowed down by Priest’s gadgets and the sheriff’s gunfire. If anything, Priest does sport some cool designs; the walled-in city is an even more bleak and despairing update of Blade Runner’s industrial cityscape. The church-driven autocracy is a nice Orwellian touch that’s sadly undercooked; the film hints that Priest’s conflict with them is just getting started, but I think the mundane nature of this first outing is going to prevent that from ever happening. The rest of the film is spent in a desolate, dusty wasteland that gives the film a western sensibility, which means that everything eventually culminates with a Leone-lite showdown on a train (a sequence that seems doubly less impressive in the wake of Fast Five’s train heist).
This is also an example of bad movies happening to good people. Bettany especially is capable of so much more, so I’m not so sure why he continues to slum around apocalyptic wastelands (he was also in Legion, which featured killer angels). All he has to do here is brood and occasionally growl like he’s Christian Bale’s Batman. Urban (another guy who is a generally awesome badass) just sort of sneers, snarls, and wears a black hat (his attire doubles as his character’s name). Gigandet feels miscast in the role of a supposedly-grizzled sheriff, as he just seems too young naïve for such a role. I was pleasantly surprised to see Brad Dourif pop up as a slimy salesman-type who ends up being like an evangelical, redneck cousin to Grima Wormtongue. As you might expect, Dourif steals the couple of scenes that he’s in.
From what I can gather, Priest does a fairly decent job of butchering the original source material too, so long-time fans will be even more disappointed. An animated sequence that recounts the back-story between humanity and the vampires stays faithful to the comic-book roots, but, after that, it does its own thing. This is likely to be disappointing for Screen Gems as well, as they pumped a lot of money and time into it; their decision to convert it to 3D is an obvious last ditch effort to salvage some profits. Don’t fall for that trick, as the third dimension will just make the movie’s mediocrity leap out and punch you in the face. Actually, don’t bother to reward the studio at all--instead, wait until you can save a few bucks and check it out from the rental service of your choice. Rent it!
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